road to nowhere…

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It’s cold and so we rush to find a place for a conversation neither of us wants to have.

Starbucks?

It’s dim and dreary, like the approaching words, and there’s someone we know.  Let’s keep looking.

Maybe a restaurant?  Too formal.

How about that Mexican bistro?  Too Mexican.

Hmmm, is this cafe new?

It’s name, charming and confectionary, is straight out of Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory and yes, they have coffee.

The lighting is calm and inviting, nostalgic almost, and I sense longing for when things were simple and sweet like the tiny frosted cupcakes lined up neatly in the display cases.  As the only customers, we’re doted on and introduced to Belgian waffles, free refills and oh look, is that an apple tart?

We collapse on white painted chairs covered in brown cushions splattered with pink polka dots; it’s been a long few years.  I expect an oompa loompa to pop out of the back and deliver a song.  Would that even cheer me up?

We share a prosciutto and mushroom crepe, comfort food, although none arrives. Hurt and disillusionment are also on the menu.

I compliment the owner on the lovely atmosphere, perfect, for a conversation we didn’t want to have.

Out of the mouth of an Instagramer…

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I was informed today by my sixth grader that he needed to like a picture on Instagram with his bottom lip.  As he is my third child, not too many things make me pause including the fact that he even has an Instagram.

I took the bait and innocently asked,  Why do you need to put your lower lip up to your cell phone screen to like something?

This was his 2013 answer:  If you can like something with your lower lip, it means you are a good kisser.

Where did we go wrong?

if laundry was porn…

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We all spend way too much time doing laundry.  It is an inescapable part of life sort of like twitter and taxes.  I hear constant complaining by friends about the size of their laundry pile and how it has become just another chore at the end of each day.   They certainly are not satisfied.

Perhaps we need to redefine laundry.  After all, it is 2013.

What if laundry = porn?

Think of how you would look forward to making the laundry room the most special part of your house – sort of that Girl Cave HGTV is always talking about.  A few must haves:  Gain Fireworks Sweet Sizzle Detergent Booster, Bounce and check out http://www.myfrenchlaundry.com to enduce a bit of experimentation.

If you have kids, invest in locks.  If you’re married, invest in a dead bolt along with the locks.

Maybe you haven’t been married as long as I have and actually want to solicit your husband’s help with this dirty dirty job.  Sorting and pre-treating are crucial to laundry foreplay and don’t forget to show him how to get the settings just right. Now there’s a honey-do list he won’t mind checking off.

So what if your athletic kids wear seventeen layers of Under Armour and it all needs to be washed for this afternoon’s game.  Light some candles, pour some champagne and turn on the real reason you pay a monthly fee to Netflix.

If only…

no more goody bags…

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Warning:  Today is my birthday and I’m pissed.

Everyone in my house loves birthdays.  My husband will be 50 in January and has totally embraced it.  I hope it embraces him back as I don’t want to be embracing an old man.

My daughter and son have monumental birthdays next year – 21 & 17.  I frequently remind them they will be half of 42 & 34 and aren’t spring chickens anymore.  My 12 year old still thinks parties involve 100 of his closest friends and goody bags.  Why can’t I be as into birthdays as they are?

I awoke to some unusual birthday greetings.  Emails from my dentist, bank and car repair shop filled my inbox.  All week at work they warned me I would be receiving an e-card from the non Ryan Gosling looking Finance Department twerking to Happy Birthday.  Thankfully it was a tasteful if somewhat boring classical version of Happy Birthday full of flowers and butterflies.

Off to the gym to reverse the effects of turning 48, I naively scanned my keycard and the automated receptionist belted out Happy Birthday.  Not what I needed but then Retro provided my first and best looking present of the day.  As I ran on my treadmill, someone planted himself in front of me on the stationary bike.  His ripped Retro Fitness t-shirt more than showed off his incredible biceps and I truly never knew a back could be so muscular.  I have never run so long in my entire life.  Sadly the present ended there.

But I have to say I was pleasantly surprised to notice birthday cakes on my Google home page wondering what famous person shared my birthday as October 5th is the most common birthday of any other date.  It was not for a famous person – my Google page wished Happy Birthday Me!

Well done Google. I hope you’re still going strong at 48.

it’s not over ’til it’s over…

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My son’s soccer team hasn’t been doing too well. Blown out is an accurate description of the outcome of their first five games. He’s playing 12U travel soccer and the competition is fierce. As parents, we should be encouraging the boys to dig in and get off their FIFA 14 loving couches and practice, right? After all, this isn’t the everyone-gets-a-trophy pre-school days, right? And it’s about the boys not the parents, right?

In the NFL, touch down celebrations are commonplace. Who doesn’t love Victor Cruz’s salsa dance in the endzone although there hasn’t been much to salsa about this year for the NY Giants. NFL Football players are cocky, it’s a part of the game and if they take it too far their team is penalized fifteen yards for excessive celebration. Also referred to as unsportsmanlike conduct, athletes in every sport are required to adhere to a certain code or risk penalty. In basketball, it could lead to a technical foul, tennis a forfeiture of a point and in professional soccer such celebrations could lead to a red card with the player being thrown out of the game.

At my son’s game this weekend, there was a celebration not by the children but by the parents that left me bewildered and wondering if the referee could issue some red cards post game. After a come from behind victory, the parent’s lined up in the middle of the field and created a “win tunnel” for the boys to run through. As I couldn’t attend the game, my husband took pictures of this crazy celebration and sent them to me. I pictured the boys on the other team already downtrodden from a loss now having it thrown in their faces. Based on our team’s moping off the field in the last few games, it would have added insult to injury to witness the opposing team’s parents acting in the same manner.

When do kids become too old for such parental involvement? Are my husband and I alone in saying good job at the end of the game, win or lose, and leaving it at that? Do kids today expect such behavior from their parents to feel good about themselves? I’m left with more questions than answers and afraid to attend next weeks game.

I hope the Giants win soon as there is nothing I like more than witnessing Victor Cruz shaking it in the end zone but let’s leave celebrations like that to the pros.

everyone…

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My usually good natured 16 year old got in the car last week after soccer practice groaning about overnight shipping.  ??? I should have left it alone but like any concerned parent just hoping he didn’t get thrown out of school, I said, “What’s wrong?”

“EVERYONE,” he hissed in anger, “EVERYONE got overnight delivery of the new Grand Theft Auto game OR they went to the store last night at midnight for the early release.  I’m the only one who doesn’t have the game.”

I’m sure I’m supposed to feel some sympathy here but knowing when teenagers say everyone it can’t possibly truly mean everyone.  But as we pull out of the parking lot and pass his friends and teammates, every one of them says the same thing, “Too bad man.”

Since all of my son’s friends do not have their license, I’m wondering if there is some Grand Theft Auto fairy that picks each of them up and delivers them to Game Stop for early releases.  Surely, other parents do not roll that way, do they?  I try and consider my parent’s willingness in the 1970s to drive me to a store at midnight for a video game.  My parents would have been hard pressed to drive me to the emergency room at midnight for a broken neck never mind for a video game.  Stores back then would never have had a midnight release party knowing full well parents liked to see their kids suffer.

I remember my friends and I dying for the Grease album.  It came out on a Tuesday and we knew better than to ask our parents to take us to the store until Saturday.  That was a long wait.  When we showed up at Two Guys Department Store we were handed a raincheck.  They were all out.  Devastated, we went home and waited until the following Saturday to finally get our album, almost two full weeks after it came out.

My son got his game two days after everyone else.  Surprisingly it didn’t kill him like he thought it would but he told me without a doubt, he is walking the ten miles to Game Stop if Grand Theft Auto 6 is out before he gets his license.  Even overnight shipping isn’t good enough anymore.  Patience is becoming obsolete.

a bit of an overshare…

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While chauferring my boys around they listen to a hip hop radio station when they don’t have their ear buds in.  I’m never truly listening to what is playing on Hot 97.1 and to me every song sounds like Mercy by Kanye and I really don’t get the appeal.  I tune out the lyrics which my daughter tells me are about hos and strip clubs and I shouldn’t let them listen to it.  I’m very non-judgemental when it comes to music or lyrics and feel at their age they can be in charge of what they listen to but I’ll also change the station if it drives me too crazy.   Rarely can I decipher the words unless I google them anyway.

I got in the car by myself the other day and their station was on.  As I’m writing a YA/New Adult novel, I need to listen to something other than classic rock to gather some insight into a younger demographic. The mid day DJ was in the middle of a heartfelt resignation speech.  He was having a heart to heart with his listeners discussing some “unhealthy situations” he had gotten himself into and hated to leave his listeners of over 20 years but it was something he had to do to get his life in order.  I thought possibly he was coming out to say he was gay but with Macklemore’s new song, Same Love, being such a big hit and a more general acceptance of homosexuality, I thought it wouldn’t have been such a big deal to admit he was gay.  I got to work and forgot about it.

The next morning I found myself listening to the morning show on that same station.  Retiring DJ was talking/crying/apologizing and having a therapy session with the morning DJs who were showing undying support and pledging their love and friendship to him.  It was touching.

While I drive, I barely focus on the road.  I’m too busy making to-do lists in my mind, fretting over mid-life and generally juggling more balls in the air than one should while behind the wheel.  But after Retiring DJ dropped this little bit of an overshare, I dropped every ball I was juggling and spit out my coffee.

“So I like to have felatio with a shemale.”

Felatio is one of those words that really doesn’t sound like what it is.  It sounds like a dessert or an Italian composer.  I’m not judging here but found it interesting these tough talking bros discussed urges and needs like it was an episode of Dr. Oz during the rest of my car ride.

When I got to work, I googled the DJ and found out that a shemale named Bimbo Winehouse had released a video with this DJ prompting him to confess on air giving new meaning to TMI.

why I’ll go organic…

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A few months ago I blogged about the epic Young Studs Talking Dirty to Carpooling Moms https://runningawayfrom49.wordpress.com/2013/04/30/a-whole-new-meaning-to-carpooling/ idea which strengthened the national economy all while keeping the backbone of our great nation, Mothers, happy and healthy.  Although the initiative significantly boosted home sales, opened world markets and expanded trade, the crisis in Syria and Rodman’s antics have stalled growth in the last few months so American’s greatest minds have dug deep. I’m sure this is what has kept them from blogging.  How unselfish.

This new proposal capitalizes on the billion dollar organic industry upping the health factor and cheering up an even greater percentage of the population.  Win-Win.

There are many reasons to love Whole Foods but when you leave the store with your reusable bag, overpriced apples, some legume you’ve never heard of and having spent almost as much as your monthly mortgage payment you say to yourself I need more.  Mash up the Whole Foods organic culture, shirtless models in the Abercrombie & Fitch ads and mid-life crisis nightmares everywhere and voila – Apple’s gonna wish they had come up with an app for this:  Organic Kissing Booths

Spend over $150 at Whole Foods which you’ve done before you even enter the store (you just had to have one of those locally produced wreaths didn’t you?) and receive a coupon for a visit to the Organic Kissing Booth located in the parking lot. I’ll let you use your unrefined, gluten free, all-natural imagination to fantasize about what you get for spending over $500.

Organic Kissing Booths are un-outsourceable, will generate complimentary products such as Organic Edible Lip Balm and endorsed by the Food Allergen Labeling and Protection Act.  It’s just gotta be good for you.

Organic Kissing Booths give new meaning to Made in America.  You’ll actually look forward to food shopping.

come on, get happy…

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http://funnyfornothingblog.wordpress.com asked me my favorite tv show the other day bringing back so many memories of life with only three or four real tv channels and running home from the bus stop not to miss my favorite episodes.  They really did rule my little world.  I learned not to mess with tiki dolls like Bobby did in Hawaii.  I learned not to pretend I’m Ginger when I’m really more like Maryann.  I learned not everyone can rock the Farah Fawcett hairstyle especially with a cowlick.

My favorite show of all was The Partridge Family and there are many life lessons in their adventures.

1.  Great hair is the key to success – Susan Dey and David Cassidy had incredible hair.  Danny Bonaduce, former wrestler and rehab patient, did not have great hair.  I rest my case.

2. Never ever name your child Ruben – the name Ruben should be reserved for poorly dressed sex offenders.

3. School busses don’t have second lives – The Partridge kids came from the school of hard knocks.  I don’t care how psychedelic and comfy that bus was, it had to be traumatizing to spend that much time on a school bus.  Too bad Pimp My Ride wasn’t around back in the day.

4. Before People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive – The Partridge Family Christmas Album had a real Christmas card inside the album cover signed Love David Cassidy.  It was like Keith sent it directly to me.  The Beibs could learn a thing or two about hotness from Keith Partridge.

5. Olson twins or die – Never be the youngest kids on a television sitcom unless you are adorable blonde twin girls with an Uncle Jesse.

I desperately wanted to be a Partridge, I’d even be the one to hold the tambourine.  But then again I also wanted to be stuck on a deserted island with the Professor and I wanted five siblings like the Brady Bunch.  But looking at the state of child stars today, maybe I was better off playing kickball on a suburban New Jersey street only dreaming of Keith.  Come on, get happy.

words cannot express my appreciation but I’ll try…

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Since I still can’t figure out to copy and paste those fantastic awards to my side bar, let’s pretend I’m so secure in myself that I don’t need to show off.  But really I’ll be working on it all night.  Thanks so much to http://funnyfornothingblog.wordpress.com/2013/09/02/its-the-award-season/    for the Versatile Blogger Award.  I love the 11 question prompts for which I’ve put my answers below especially since they give me a break from my midlife crisis.  If you fancy a particular question, please share your response – I’d like to learn more about each person thoughtful enough to stop by.

1. If you had to think of another name for your blog, what would it be?  Runningawayfrom50

2. What’s your favourite quote/ saying?  What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

3. What’s the worst joke you’ve made/ heard?  My son made it up when he was 5 – Why did the cow cross the road?  To get a milkshake.

4. What’s your favourite television show?  The Partridge Family

5. Describe yourself in one word.  Worrywart

6. Do you have an object that you consider to be your lucky charm?  My grandmother’s ring.

7. Which type of chocolate is best: white, milk or dark?  All of the above. 

College – white chocolate, Pregnancies – milk chocolate, Late 40s – dark chocolate

8. What’s the best non-fiction book you’ve read?  Private Parts by Howard Stern

9. What’s your favourite word?  Bittersweet

10. Are you philosophical person?  Sometimes?

11. What’s the capital of Greenland?  I cheated – Nuuk