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Recently, in the news there have been a rash of robberies involving UPS deliveries left on front porches. Yesterday, I got home from work to a plain brown box on my porch looking like it had been delivered by a garbage truck and smelled like a dead body.  Nobody would have stolen this parcel.  The box was wrapped in official United States Post Office tape with the words, “THE CONTENTS HAVE BEEN DAMAGED.”  Oh no.

I nervously cut the tape and opened the box.  A bright red package, probably sparkly and pretty when first sent, was wrapped in a plastic bag and looked as if it had been flushed down the toilet and rescued from the Hudson River.  As I cut the plastic, the stench of wet cardboard and dead bodies (or how I think dead bodies would smell) permeated my kitchen.  I held my nose and nervously unwrapped the bag, then the red wrapping, then the brown paper and finally reached a soaked box.  The box was filled with shattered glass wrapped in tissue paper, but thankfully no body parts.  It would have been a great gift – a bottle of Prosecco (broken) and a bottle of raspberry syrup.  No doubt I could find plenty of other alchohol to mix with the syrup.  I salvaged the card and tossed the box.  I debated about telling Friend 1 about the broken bottle, I didn’t want her to feel bad. But when I let her know about it, she asked about a bracelet.  Oh no, back to the garbage where I found it.

Johnny Carson famously said, mail your presents early so the Post Office can lose them by Christmas.  I avoid the Post Office like the plague.  It truly is like walking into the Twilight Zone, but I have to give them some props for getting me a package that looked like it deserved to be tossed in the dump.  Is it illegal to send alcohol through the mail?  More props to this government agency for saying, “What the hell, it’s the holidays.”

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