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My almost 12 year old is the definition of motor mouth.  As soon as he wakes up, the blabbing starts: how he slept (either it was too hot or too cold or too perfect), how he thinks the Yankees did last night (how he would do things differently if he was the manager), musings about some Guinness Book of World Records holder for something horrific (involving piercings) and plans for the day (can we go to the beach/bowling/movies/Game Stop) – all before I’ve had my first cup of coffee.  Some mornings I need something stronger.  What was adorable and endearing with your first child is annoying and grating in the third child.  Shut up and play in traffic is always at the tip of my tongue.

The worst outlet for his jabbering is the car.  It reaches a nails on the chalkboard momentum if I don’t let him play addicting games on his Ipod.  This shuts him up but then he can’t turn off the screen gene and I find him sneaking away to get his fix of Minecraft on a beautiful summer day if there are no kids to play with.  I recently overreacted and told him no more screens during the day which includes car rides.  I know you experienced parents out there are chuckling at the fact I just shot myself in the foot and it’s going to be a long f*cking summer.

NO IPOD = VERBAL ASSAULT

Even if he’s too tired to talk in the car, he makes up songs like, I’m so tired, I’m so tired – I wish I would fall asleep because I’m so tired.  The mother of the year (me) that is about up to here with him wants to say, If you would stop f*cking singing, you would be able to fall asleep.  The pain from shooting myself in the foot is unbearable.

With nothing to do after he’s gone through every radio station, he bombards me with questions.  He really doesn’t care about my answers – he just wants to share his thoughts on various subjects.

RD: Mom, if you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Me:  Hmmm, I think maybe somewhere in…

RD:  I would live in a mansion in a resort on a mountain on my own island with an indoor basketball court and football field and lots of garages for my cars.

RD: Mom, if you could drive any car in the world, what would it be?

Me:  Hmmm, I think maybe I would drive a…

RD:  I would drive a Lamborghini because they are soooo much better than Ferraris.

RD: Mom, if you could be any age, what would it be?

Hmmm?  RD chirped on about how he would stay 12 his whole life as that is when he gets a cell phone.  I was stumped.  As we sat at a red light, RD rattling on and on, my life flashed before my eyes.

11 – Before puberty, life was idyllic.  I had a childhood full of friends, kickball and didn’t want for anything.  Of course in the 1970s there really wasn’t anything to covet so I was content by default.

16 – Although I would love to re-do my teenage years, would my mid-life wisdom and hair straightener come along?  Or would I have to repeat 16 with my permed hair mistakes and thick eyebrows?

25 – My twenties were pretty good.  I had a great job, dated my husband and we travelled, went out every night with friends and did what we wanted.  In hindsight  life was dreamy but I had no appreciation for it.  I sort of went with the flow and now I wish I had yearned for more when I had the time.

34 – My thirties were about raising 3 kids.  The decade went by in a blur.  I don’t remember much except trying to escape being home raising 3 kids.  I lost an entire decade of me and I’m not sure I would want that again.

40 – 40 kinda snuck up on me and now at 47, 40 doesn’t sound too bad.

Thankfully, I’m distracted by RD ranting about traffic and how hungry he is.

It’s a tough question so I’ll put it out there – if you could be any age, what would it be?

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