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Where are you Mid-Life Crisis Fairy Godmother (MLCFG)?

I’ve been floating around here in my forties for a while now and it’s about as much of a party as a vacation in North Korea.  I thought I could find you on Twitter (#40isnotthenew30) but you’ve gone dark.  Judging by the amount of blogs I’ve seen lately on 20-somethings, 30-somethings and even one teen-something claiming to be in the midst of a MLC, you have your hands full.  You’re wasting your time on them.  If you’re under 45, you aren’t having a MLC; enjoy whatever the calamity is because it’s nothing compared to what you’ll be going through at 47.  Consider yourself warned.

Just in case you can’t find your MLCFG, here are some things I wish I knew way back then:

1.  Remember reapplying Johnson’s Baby Oil while sunbathing on a roof in Southern California?  Or that summer you went topless on a beach in Greece with your two best friends who should have known better?  Hello, skin cancer.

2. Remember that career you threw away to have kids?  You were convinced you’d have an ingenious idea allowing you to stay home with your babies, leave you fulfilled and make a ton of money giving your husband the chance to retire before his MLC?  Your only hope is to design a new social media platform endorsed by Ashton Kutcher because you will not write a bestselling erotica novel that actually has a plot; you will not turn some indigenous plant in your backyard into an organic soap and that mommy blog you’ve been tinkering with is so five minutes ago.  Your time is better spent picking up sunscreen.

3. New mothers are now getting breast implants, tummy tucks and labia reconstruction surgery after they have kids.  Like right there in the hospital.  Whoever thought of this plan is a genius and most likely not having a MLC.  I’m sure I got a wrinkle or two giving birth, could we add Botox to that list? Maybe I pop out a 4th kid so I can book my “procedures”.

4.  You won’t be able to afford college.  Don’t even try.  Don’t even save.  Spend your money on the fun things you won’t be able to do while you kids enjoy a four year vacation at an institute of higher learning.  Buy a boat, a small island and travel extensively.  SPEND EVERY DIME.  When your kid asks you why they have to take out student loans, whip out the pictures of them swimming with the penguins in the Galapagos Islands.

5.  Three kids is three too many kids.

6. Whoever came up with 40s are the new 30s are the new 20s is also selling Apple stock for $1.00/share and I hope my midlife fairy godmother casts an evil spell on them.

7.  Whoever said youth is wasted on the young is also a genius.

8. You’ve now been married to the man of your dreams for twenty years; even if you think you married the pope (a pope who looks like Ryan Gosling), after what feels like an eternity of His Holiness Pope Ryan I, you will want to blow your brains out.  But if you’ve had all that plastic surgery done, blow his brains out instead, you will get off on some mid-life insanity defense.

9. While you may think of carving a life out for yourself in your 40s, it won’t matter because you will be living through your kids.  Most forty-year olds ignore a MLC by bragging incessantly about their brood.  There are lofty expectations here so if your children aren’t as gifted as Bill Gates by the time they are 16, your MLC just imploded.  Here is a gauge by which to judge your children’s future accomplishments:

–      If your pre-schooler isn’t recruited by the New York Yankees to replace Derek Jeter, Go directly to a MLC. Do not pass Go.  Do not collect $200.

–      If your ten year old isn’t singlehandedly bringing a new source of fresh, clean water to a Ugandan village, Go directly to a MLC. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.

–      If your teen has not earned early acceptance to BOTH Harvard Medical School and Harvard Law, you are a failure and should Go directly to a MLC.  Do not pass Go.  Do not collect $200.

I’m too depressed to continue the list.  Wait, my MLCFG just tweeted me, #50 is the new glass slipper…

Maybe there is hope?