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WARNING:  This post contains graphic and excessive fist pumping.  Reader discretion is advised.

I’m dreaming my life is a Pitbull video.

I’d linger in my satin sheets each morning, my hair and makeup seductively perfect ‘cuz that’s how we roll in the highly charged world of Pitbull.

Now jump up let’s get crazy

Now jump up let’s get crazy

Okay, okay I’m getting up.  I decide on the suggestive fiery red bikini, pop in my belly ring and click down the winding marble staircase in my platform stilettos where Pitbull, in an impeccably fitted suit, arouses me with my first fist pump of the day.  Techno drives the whole house into a breakfast party rave.

Que no pare la fiesta

Tu tienes todo pa ganar y poco pa perder

I’ve no idea what he’s saying but it sounds kinky and much better than the usual, Honey, where’s the Captain Crunch?  Mr. Worldwide dances me around the foyer as the beat of my name rolls off his tongue lustfully extolling the virtues of my body.

Sometime she bougie, sometime she hood

Yeah she’s my townass  bitch, that’s understood

My girl got a big ol’ booty

I sound like I’m down with some erotic south of the border flavor (although I’m Irish) and like I really got a booty (which I don’t because I’m Irish). He whips me into a melodious frenzy rapping the name of our New Jersey town as if it were some exotic locale.

You put it down like New York City

Wild like Los Angeles

Hotter than Miami

I feel the heat!

We salsa over to the Keurig as he pops in a Columbian brew so strong it’s probably illegal.  Our hands in the air, we head out to the back patio where a succulent buffet awaits by the pool.  Pitbull tantalizingly feeds me caviar and pours my first cocktail of the day, a Dom Perignon Mimosa sweetened with fresh strawberries.  Well played Pit, double fist pump.

You’d think he would have a driver and a nanny but not my Pitbull.  He steers the convertible Bentley to the front of the house to drive the kids to school.  Ten left hands in the air, we pull out of the driveway, Pitbull offering the kids a little advice before they hit the classroom –

Ask for money, get advice

Ask for advice, get money twice

He saves the math lesson for when we’re alone –

Let me tell you what we gon do

2+2, I’m gonna undress you

Just like everyone else, we have plenty of errands to run and jobs around the house.  Both require wardrobe changes, which means different bikinis for me and another Brooks Brothers suit for him.  He never takes the sunglasses off.

Yeah Yeah Yeah, don’t stop the parrrrttttyyyy!

You’ve never shopped like this.  Target goes all strobe lights as DJ Chino (Pitbull’s official DJ in case you were wondering) throws down cool beats while we stock up on party necessities.

When you’re living the Pitbull lifestyle, you better get used to celebrities making cameo appearances throughout the day.  Pitbull reveals them in an impassioned Latino accent and I look forward to the lunacy on it’s way –

Nayer, Ne-Yo

Christina Aguilera

Lil Jon, T.I.

Chris Brown, this is for the women worldwide

He’s very handy to have around the house –

I’m the plumber tonight

Let me check your pipes

Oooh, you’re the healthy type

After some DIY projects, four hundred or so of our closest friends arrive; DJ Chino has finished his shift at Target and the afternoon party gets pumping.  Pitbull constructs a stage using some old sunglasses and spare lawn mower parts; before long all hands fist pump to how great life is –

One day while my light is glowing

I’ll be in my castle golden

But until the gates are open

I just wanna feel this moment (oooh)

I just wanna feel this moment (oooh)

I thought dancing in a bikini and stillettos would be difficult but everything with Pitbull is sexy and effortless.  Please don’t wake me up.