An Open Letter of Friendship Resignation to my Former Dearest Friends
Dear FU2 and FU3,
It’s been a blast. I hate to be cliché but all good things must come to an end. We’ve had a great run – an epic friendship of laughter, closeness, mostly crazy times and a few tears. You’ve been my confidantes and at times I’m not sure how I would have survived without you so it’s a bit surprising to me that a man is coming between us.
I didn’t find it funny that a shirtless Rob Lowe, in all his tattooed glory, was having breakfast with you this morning, FU2. I found it friendship ending. As everybody knows, Rob Lowe is my shirtless crush (when Ryan Gosling isn’t available of course). I’ve had dibs on Rob for over a year now and this is a deal breaker. Maybe if you and Rob only feasted on lunch, I could have forgiven you both and moved on, but breakfast carries with it a whole bunch of unforgivable connotations. I know you tempted Rob with your crazy mad organic cooking skills, certainly trumping my pantry full of Frosted Cheerios.
Although FU3 wasn’t actually present at your intimate breakfast rendezvous, I know she is storming up 195 at this very moment to complete your threesome with Rob.
I’m off to drown my sorrows and watch St. Elmo’s Fire. Have a good life.
Your former friend,