I am addicted to HGTV’s House Hunters series.  I’m constantly looking for episodes where people are moving to a place near the water. I record those and will watch one when I’m feeling somewhat down.  I pretend  I am the one searching for the second home on the beach or just changing my life completely and moving to the water. I am running away.  The only magazine I faithfully read every month is Coastal Living. That gives me the pictures and the hard copy of all the places I wish I lived or “one day” will live.  Meanwhile, I live in a beautiful place, plenty of open space, rolling hills, really a bucolic piece of the country.  I feel fortunate to live here and yet, I run away, albeit in my mind, many times a day.  I call it running away, but maybe I’m finally running back to me? It’s easy to lose yourself in marriage and motherhood. One day, I realized I’m not really sure who I am anymore.
Two of my three children place their dirty laundry in the hamper in my bathroom.  Usually, when the pile gets to the top of the basket, I know that is my cue to do some laundry.  For various reasons, I haven’t had the chance this week to get to it when it got to the top of the basket.  The pile grew and grew and almost became taller the I am.  Still not having the time to sort and process it, I made a second pile. There was something in me that couldn’t tolerate the laundry pile being bigger than me.  It made me think about how I live my life.  As my children get older, I am trying to get back in touch with “me”, but to be honest, it’s very hard to do.  I look for clues…maybe something that will tell me a little bit more about myself.  It’s similar to breaking a bad habit, I have to work really hard to see myself in the here & now, hoping one day it will just come naturally.  I can see myself on House Hunters or on some great waterfront community in a magazine, but that is not now.  I thought about the laundry.  Is that what I have done for so many years in my troubled marriage?  Did I take the big huge pile, make a smaller one and work on that? By the time I finished processing the smaller pile, was the other pile taller than me again, so I had to take some off & work through that?  Is the big pile of laundry that I left, all the items I am sorting through now?  While I certainly don’t think the answers to life’s dilemmas are in my laundry pile, it opened my eyes to the coping mechanisms and habits I have acquired throughout the years.  It is time to tackle the big, huge laundry pile, wash it, dry it, fold it and move forward. Maybe instead of running away, maybe all the answers are right here in my house and in me.  Perhaps if I tune into that, I won’t have to run away and can confidently pack up my stuff one day and make my way to that waterfront paradise.  But for now, I’m going to sort some laundry.